sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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