I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
