Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize