I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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