Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
