I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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