he shaved USA in his pubs
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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