he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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