Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
