Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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