Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
