Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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