What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
