just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
