I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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