and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
