Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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