Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize