At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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