he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
