at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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