so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
