I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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