I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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