don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
