just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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