I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
what is it with giant penises always finding me
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
