I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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