The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
