she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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