Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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