I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
