If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
