you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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