Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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