I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
