Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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