overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
