i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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