You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
