I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
