I wish I could teleport
id be glad to
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
