She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
