He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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