WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
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