I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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