Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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