Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
The adults are the big ones right?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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