also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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