So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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