Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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