the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
