Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize