she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
