Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
