I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
