so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
