I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
