Your tits are I can't wait for
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
