A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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