I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
